Magical Wands

04 May

Fifty dollars arrived in a box today.  The package was seven inches wide by about fifteen inches long, perhaps a bit more.  Charles saw me grab it off the porch and tried to follow me into the bathroom to demand he should get it, because he’s Charles, and every day is Christmas in his mind.  Finally, I hid in the bathroom and used a children’s nail clipper to cut through the tape.

Inside, shitty brown paper blocked my view, so I tossed it aside.  There it was– at the bottom.  Fifty dollars of what was claimed to be a super sex toy.  It was a Hitachi Wand and a single attachment, meant for ‘deep muscle massage’.

I recall being that excited only rarely in my life.  This was to be the first time I owned a sex toy that was not either a refurbished wine bottle, crayon penny bank, M&M mini’s tube, canned fruit tin with putty, or previously owned and thoroughly washed real toys.  I didn’t pull either piece from the box, and simply stared for a few moments in giddy anticipation. Tonight.  I would boot my best friend from my room and experience what so many others did before me– a Hitachi Wand.

My loins stirred to attention as they seemed almost ready to take a peek.

It looked smaller than I’d thought, inside its little box.  Finally, I had enough of Charles’ banging and closed the box, then carried it downstairs to my bedroom.  I slid it onto my bed, out of his reach, and patiently tried to explain that the thing in the box was only for grown-ups.  In my mind, the advertised uses for aching backs and shoulders were silly– the only possible use I could comprehend was between any person’s legs.

The rest of the day was chaotic.  Junior began causing problems immediately after Mom went off to a charity dinner for the nonprofit she works for.  Things quickly progressed until I told him what I really thought of him– that he was a useless, selfish child, and that was why his aunt and uncle so eagerly left him behind.  That was why nobody in my home liked him, save Charles, who didn’t know any better.

I told him while staring in his eyes that I wanted him to walk out the door and never return, but didn’t force it because I like our neighbors too much to subject them to his dramatics any more than he already did by screaming for help out the window and stopping one of the garage sale browsers who was on his way past our house.

Again, and again, he screamed how abusive it was of me to put him in his room for time out and make sure he stayed there.  He screamed about me putting gasoline on the door (it was vaseline under a child safety door lock).  He screamed about how he wanted to leave.  I sent my best friend to the local park with Janelle and Charles, because I worried Junior would become violent or succeed in egging people on into beating him senseless just so he could leave– and destroy my mother in the process.

He tried to accuse me of not loving Charles and Janelle, simply because I punished Charles when he was stealing, lying, or disobeying rules put into place for his safety.  He was convinced that his workers, my mother, and the judges were being selfish by allowing me to babysit his sorry ass.  Repeatedly, I told him he could walk out the door.  It was always an option.  He had that right, to walk out and leave our family in peace.

Finally, his therapist got back to me and talked to him, and he became manageable.  I hid away while he showered, in hopes of calming myself before Chibi returned– I had no idea when that would be, until I heard Charles dash in with excited stories of the park.

Apparently, Charles was easy to handle, and only became difficult after Chibi told him it was time to head home.  He laid under the jungle gym for a time, then suddenly got up and yanked his pants down, then peed right where he was!  I was laughing so hard I couldn’t explain why he should only pee in a bathroom or somewhere else private.

After that, the night was tense, but thankfully quiet.  I put Charles to bed early after I gave him a bath, and Junior went to bed before ten.  Janelle went to bed on her own, as well, and I went outside to enjoy a cool breeze after a stifling seventy-plus degree day that felt more like the high eighties.

I sat in the damp grass and stared upward at the flickering stars while I simply tried to calm myself.  Now and then, our elderly dog barked for some unmet need.  At the moment, all I could think about was grabbing a gun with a silencer and shooting the street lights out so I could watch the stars more clearly.

Finally, Mom pulled up and I gave her a tight hug as she told me about her day and her plan to go through with her threat to make Junior’s week miserable.  She decided she would take him to a store and let him pick out his favorite type of cookie, then after dinner, she would make him watch everyone else eat them all.

Chibi and I relocated downstairs after we helped Mom bring in the gifts she bought for various family members, and I ate half of my remaining chocolate-based snacks in a stress-filled fit, then drank a fourth of a gallon of milk.  I settled into my desk chair and relaxed for a time, then looked on my bed as I slowly recalled the expensive package on my bed.  I lunged for it and threw the brown paper aside as I yanked out the extra attachment and shoved it into Chibi’s hands, then began to investigate the wand itself.  It had two speeds: hard and ‘vibrating through the wall’.

I tried first the slower speed on my nose.  It tickled.  Second, I tried the harder option. “I can smell time!” I exclaimed to the giggles of Chibi and a few of my friends over skype.  I read through the instruction manual and giggled at some of the entries in the list of cautions, much to the silly glee of my friends and I.

The day became better, finally.

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Posted by on May 4, 2013 in Nonfiction


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