The Tiny Death

11 Mar

I felt unnerved.  The winds were high and crisp, and the ground under my feet was mushy as I waited for mom to finish moving the car out of the way so I could take the keys back inside.  The porch light illuminated little, but gave the front tree a ghostly cast.  Even with the van and the car alive and lit nearby, the darkness of the morning didn’t allow the expected noise or light to loosen its grip over the world.

I almost spoke up several times as mom handed me the car keys and gave me a hug, but I held back.  This was the world my mom drove to work through every day.  Even as a creature of the night, I shied away from this early morning darkness.  The street lights did nothing to brighten the world around me.  With a nervous gaze, I watched mom drive off in her big van.

Absently, I stuffed my hands into my hoodie pockets and turned to walk back inside.  The dogs were oddly quiet.  I looked up as I reached for the door.  For a moment, I thought I saw my reflection staring back at me with blackened eyes and dripping dark teeth.  As I opened the door, I thought for certain I would see that imposter behind it, but it disappeared as the door’s angle changed.

Once inside, I closed the door behind me.  Everything felt uneasy about the morning.  Absently, I walked to the kitchen.  Would I have enough time to eat before the kids got up?  Furtive footsteps behind me gave a negative answer.  I turned around and smiled at the little boy.  He was difficult, but nothing behind my abilities to handle, and soon enough, he was bundled up and we waited together in the falling drizzle for the bus.  I completely forgot about how eerie the morning had been mere hours before.

I waved good-bye, and turned to return to the house.  My back hurt from standing so long in the wet and the cold, and I longed to return to slaying the Sha-infested bugs of the Dread Wastes.

Once I finished my dailies and finished grinding cooking ingredients, I began to notice my hunger and realized I missed breakfast.  I pondered for a time what to eat, and eventually decided on some cereal… then had waffles.  Each little square was filled with sweet, warm syrup, and each of the round, grid-filled toasted cakes were cut carefully so each bite was as even as possible.  I ate four, and the plate was empty.

I was hungry for something more satisfying.

Absently, I wandered back to the kitchen.  I wanted meat.  I searched throughout, and found only ham.  I wanted bacon or beef.  The thought occurred to me that I should get a burger, but that meant walking though the drizzle and wind, or subjecting such weather to my bike.

Despite the weather, such an idea appealed to me.  A chance to get out of the house was always welcome.  Absently, I glanced to one side.  I had some money to spend on food now.  Perhaps if I bought some oven pizzas, that would satisfy me.  I could add extra cheese and some ham.

I could even just stop by McDonald’s and grab a fudge sundae and perhaps ask for some bacon.  I licked my lips as food ideas ran through my head.

I already ate enough, I reminded myself, even as I wiped some extra drool from the corner of my mouth.

Maybe if I exercised beforehand, I could go ride my bike somewhere and eat junk food.  I quickly rose and left my priest to fly over her farming spot, and began to jog in place the lazy way.  I lifted my heel and put it down, then repeated it on the other side.  I kept going until my legs burned, but the time it took was embarrassing.

With determination, I kept going.  It wouldn’t hurt me to have more endurance, after all.

As I continued my lazy running-in-place, I grabbed my phone and began to play games on it until my legs slowed to a stop and I became fully concentrated on the game in hand– a card-based tower defense game.  My main fighters were all four-star rank, and I had a damager, a slower, a knock-back, a poison, and a few extras for fun.

What I really wanted was a six or seven star card.  If I just kept up, I was sure to get one eventually.  I quested and trained, and ground levels as I stood there, alone in the dining room.  I used all my energy for the day and sat back down.  The hunger from earlier was gone from my mind, and I returned to my laptop.  My priest was logged out.  Absently, I checked my various social sites and settled in, very much the stereotypical, easily-distracted internet fatty.

As my friends began to ride from the comforts of sleep, the opportunity to depart on some form of adventure abandoned me, and I went to my bedroom’s windowless darkness to play music while I typed to those friends I had in the digital world.

My fingers moved rapidly on the keyboard as my eyes glazed over, and I slipped still farther into my pathetic lifestyle.  Even as I typed, my mind was aware of how I wasted my life, how useless these digital things were, and how I slowly killed my own urge to keep going.

I wished for someone to snap me out of it.

I knew nobody would.

Just yesterday, the power went out, and I sat inside, staring at a clocks black screen until it came back on.

It occurred suddenly to me– this was my problem.  I didn’t want to change my life.

The depression began to rear its head, and I suddenly stood, without the consent of my mind, and walked outside.  I simply began to walk.

It was automatic, and every second, I wanted to turn around, but instead, I continued to walk around the neighborhood.

Despite my own willingness to just give in, my body wasn’t ready yet.

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Posted by on March 11, 2013 in Modern Fiction


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